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[Jan. 15th, 2021|08:10 am] |
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remember what the dormouse said
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
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| masquerade, paper faces on parade... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2011|09:48 am] |
the school year is ending. i think i'm happy about it, but sad at the same time. some of the friends i've made this year are leaving, but they will not be forgotten. this year i have lived, and loved, and learned. i have become a better lacey for it, a lacey that is more grounded at times, but who still keeps her head in the clouds because it's easier to find new and interesting things up there.
i chose not to go to prom. i would have liked to go, but i didn't have a date, and i did not want to be alone in a room full of couples. it's a bloody awful feeling you know, to be lonely in a crowded ballroom. but it was one night, and i spent it in my world of diamonds. so that was very nice. it gave me a wonderful idea, too.
my birthday is in about four weeks, and i've started planning the party. usually i don't do much planning for my parties, i just move the breakable objects and call in favours to get plenty of alcohol in order to keep my guests happy. but one of the things that i've learned in this year is that i have value, and that i deserve to be celebrated. so i'm going to have a birthday party that reflects that. many of you have heard me talk about my world of diamonds, and i want to see if i can make it come to life. i don't have a castle, unfortunately, but i do have a rather beautifully laid out back yard, and my father has agreed to foot the bill for my seventeenth birthday.
i will make invitations eventually, but i want to let you all know now so that you have time to plan. every single one of you is invited to the world of diamonds masquerade ball at my house. come in any costume you like, the only requirement is that you be wearing some kind of mask. it can be just a simple black or white mask, or something more elaborate. i personally am aiming to imitate the style of the venetian carnevale, and there are places where you can get masks like the ones they wear.
my life is very different now, but i can't find a reason to complain about it. i am more than what i have been previously told that i am, and i rather like that about myself. i'm not lonely lovely lacey anymore. i'm lacey with friends, dear friends that i will never, ever forget. i am lacey who is capable of giving and receiving love, and who is worthy of it as well. though i was always the queen of my diamond world, i feel now that i am truly worthy of my title, and i will do my best to show my love to my people. |
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| my junk is you - private entry. |
[Apr. 9th, 2011|06:49 pm] |
not good enough. i should have known that i wasn't good enough, but i hoped that i would be. how could i help falling in love with him? he's so kind to me, so charming. to him, i wasn't just some crazy girl. i was his lacey, made special and beautiful by virtue of his attention. and now i don't have that anymore, because the whole bloody time, he wanted someone else. not me. not "his" lacey. he said i had every right to hate him, for leading me on and making me think that he could love me the way i love him. i wanted to hate him. but i can't. whatever hurt he's caused, he also made me think that i was worth something. that i really was special, and beautiful, and all the things that he said i was. that i am.
i feel awful, lying to him. i told him that it would be all right, and i suppose it will be, in time. i hate that i can't just cut him out of my life. i hate that i hurt him by telling him how i feel. i almost wish that he didn't care as much as he did, maybe that way it would be easier. at least with talon and morgan, he was able to have a relationship with her, to know what it was like to love someone and have their love in return, for awhile. it makes me wonder if love ever really lasts. but for me, all i have is one kiss. one night spent sleeping in his arms, knowing that i was safe. two days when i was the only one who held his attention. it's not enough. but it has to be, because his heart belongs to another girl. i'll always be his friend, but it will never be enough.
i just wish he would graduate. i've talked to patrick a lot about this. patrick calls me guapa and linda and "love", but those are just terms of endearment. i don't think it means that he actually loves me the way i want to be loved. the way i wish that gabe could love me. maybe when he's graduated, gone on to college, i'll forget about him. i'll go away too, find my true king somewhere else. somewhere that isn't here. gabe can't be my king anymore, not if he has another love waiting for him. a girl who, as he told me, can be vicious when jealous, so i must not give her a reason to feel that way. i will let them have their happiness, and find my own contentment where i can, even if true happiness is never a part of it. |
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| fly away |
[Mar. 20th, 2011|02:44 pm] |
i follow the night, can't stand the light
when will i begin to live again?
one day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday
what more could your love do for me?
when will love be through with me?
why live life from dream to dream?
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
one day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday
why live life from dream to dream?
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
one day i'll fly away, fly, fly away...
my brother's coming home this weekend. some party that one of his friends from high school is having. i hope i grow wings that will take me away from here before then. i want to know what it's like to fly, up and away from everything. i want to go exploring in the himalayas, see what life is like in antarctica, get lost in the amazon rain forest, ride on an elephant's back in the african savannah, perch on top of the great pyramid and then fly back to paris to make a nest in the trees of the bois du boulogne. or i want to be a mermaid of the mediterranean, making beautiful strange men fall in love with me before i go back to my kingdom under the sea. maybe i can be a fairy, and live in neuschwanstein, the real life cinderella castle.
that's why i like my world better, because my world is a fairytale world where nothing ever goes wrong and everyone is happy and i can be whoever i want to be, with a beautiful prince who loves me and people who will dance all night with me in pretty gardens full of butterflies and lightning bugs. |
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| i really should not listen to green day. |
[Feb. 19th, 2011|02:16 am] |
sometimes i wonder if people would notice if i just disappeared and never came back. it's an appealing idea. i could go off looking for narnia, or wonderland. someplace where i could be a very different lacey, a lacey who could talk to flowers and animals and satyrs and just have pretty tea parties in lovely gardens, a mad girl in a mad world instead of a mad girl in a real world. |
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| nighttime. |
[Feb. 17th, 2011|01:07 am] |
i just want to float away with a bunch of balloons and forget the future, forget the past, forget about everything except drifting in space for eternity. i look up at the stars in the sky and i think that i would like to be one of them. a cloud, a star, a speck of dust, a dandelion seed. not this human girl, this lacey, who dances in the rain and talks to snow people.
i'm having a party on saturday. you're all invited. there will be music, alcohol, smoking, and sparklers. just don't light my house on fire, please. it's pretty to watch things burn but i like having a roof over my head and i don't think riley would want me to live with him in wisconsin.
lonely lovely lacey has lost her last marble. |
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